I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Im part way to drunk.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize