2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
