to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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