I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
