may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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