tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
