All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize