don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
