for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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