theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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