Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
