Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize