I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize