Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
