you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
