dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
