it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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