Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
