I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just want nice things and good sex
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
