I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
