I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
