forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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