I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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