the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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