She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
