the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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