So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this just has baby written all over it
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
