Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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