uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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