I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
