She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
