eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
