Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
