Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize