I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
