you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
