You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
