Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
