Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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