A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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