I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
