Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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