If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
