Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
