R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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