Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
