so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
