I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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