So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
