i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
