a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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