Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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