i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Randomize
