I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
