piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
