Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
