it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
