Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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